your questions

Q: To Marty Wilson, co-author of What I Wish I Knew at Eighteen
What would you say was the most important lesson to take from your book?
(Kate, Byron Bay NSW)

A: I’m going to fudge it and say 3 things.

1. You’re surrounded by mentors
2. People need to talk deeply
3. Don’t ignore the sage next door

1. You’re surrounded by mentors
The first is that we found the incredible variety of people in What I Wish I Knew at Eighteen from within 3 - 4 degrees of separation from us.

Our youngest person is 25 and our oldest is 86.
We interviewed a 9/11 survivor,
A radical feminist turned Buddhist nun working with prisoners on death row,
A man who was sent to the Siberian work camps at age 1,
A teen mum,
A breast cancer survivor,
A kidney transplant recipient,
An Indian South African woman who grew up through the apartheid era,
A protestant from Northern Ireland
A catholic from Northern Ireland,
A grandmother of nine,
A brain cancer survivor,
A film director,
A stand up comic and a comic actor,
An interfaith minister and author,
A man in a wheelchair since age 22 after a rugby accident,
A WWII bomber who was the only survivor when his plane was shot down.

And remember we’re just average Joes who looked for inspirational people amongst our friends, and their friends, and their friends… So start talking to the people around you and the people around them. Get to know your friends and acquaintances all over again and learn something new about them and yourself.

However, when you do start contacting people don’t be offended if some knock you back. Some of the people we expected to talk for hours, people in their seventies, eighties and nineties, were often a little reticent. A few veterans didn’t want to think about what they’d tell themselves, given what they were doing at that time in their lives, and some just said they thought it was too late for them: “If I can’t change it, I don’t want to think about it”. George Burns said: “You get to an age where you don’t even buy green bananas.”

But for most people, once they got started, they were hard to stop.

2. People need to talk deeply

We decided to allow about 30 minutes for each interview. (Typical blokes: get in, get the facts, get out, next...) However, not one conversation lasted less than two hours, and some were three or four hour marathons. All ran the full gamut of emotions with a mixture of laughter and tears, each containing unbelievably generous self-revelation that was truly humbling. And that’s one of the reasons we believe we’re really onto something with What I Wish I Knew at Eighteen, when we began interviewing people about the big questions of life, people talked. Many couldn’t stop talking.

One of Dan’s early interviews hit the three hour mark and the next day he got a call: ‘Can we do that again… that was like therapy…’ This is when we began to realise that we all want to talk on this level. We need to talk at this level.

3. Don’t ignore the sage next door

While writing our book we realised that most of life’s experts don’t necessarily look like gurus. A woman with twelve kids may not look like the kind of person who dons a headset microphone and runs a seminar on life lessons and peak performance, but if you want to learn about patience, time management and how to make every child feel like a unique individual, there are few who are better qualified.

Not self-help, team help

This was a big lesson for us. The self-help sections of bookstores are filled with experts offering their opinions as the one gospel truth. But, being pluralists and Aussies, we reckon anyone who says they’ve discovered ‘The One Big Answer to Life, The Universe and Everything’ is trying to sell you something. There are so many life skills and different ways to look at the world that you really need to seek a second, third or hundredth opinion – then adopt what works best for you. We believe it’s time to shift the paradigm away from self-help and towards what we call team-help.

Q: To Georgina Walker, author of Dearly Departed
Many people are wary of psychics, and believe there are people who are fakes or who just are not very compassionate or competent. What would you advise people to look for when engaging a psychic?
Rebecca via email

A: Word of mouth is the best recommendation and feedback of accuracy of their predictions/forecasts. How long they have been in the business? What tools do they use to forecast? Do they allow you to have a recording of session? Allow the psychic to do the talking, rather than you feed them information about yourself. Do they tell you the good as well as the bad? Remember, personalities of the psychic and yourself can clash, just as friendship can − so seek out a psychic who will make you feel at ease! Listen to your own intuition − if this doesn’t feel the right psychic, don’t book in!

Q: To Jost Sauer, author of Higher and Higher
There has been some disagreement over whether a ‘Just Say No’ message in relation to drugs works with people, especially young people, or whether it is actually better for young people to know how to use illegal drugs. Do you think the Just Say No message is at all effective? Do you think making freely accessible information on how to use illegal drugs in a ‘more moderate’ way can have the effect of encouraging teenagers to get onto drugs in the first place?
Rebecca, St Ives

A: In my opinion, the ‘Just Say No campaign’, produced by non-drug users for non-drug users, is not effective for young people. If it was, rather than being a massive $400 billion dollar-a-year booming industry, recreational drugs would no longer be a problem. There is information publicly available on the safe use of drugs. I don’t believe this has any effect on drug consumption either. The real issue is that drugs can provide extraordinary experiences that people wish to repeat. Accordingly, the solution lies in providing other ways for us all to have profound spiritual, emotional and physical experiences and the ability to do this is within us all. So we don’t need drugs we need to learn how to live. This is the area I am now focusing on.

Q To Paul Fenton-Smith, author of Tarot Masterclass:
Some teachers of the tarot suggest there is no need to learn/understand or to use reversed cards in a reading, as there are enough cards in their upright state to cover the potential reversed meaning. What is your opinion on this?
Kate, Marrickville NSW

A Dear Kate,
Reading with upright and reversed cards in a tarot deck allows for shades of grey and let’s face it, life is full of shades of grey. It also increases accuracy when asking Yes/No questions. If a client is asking if it is wise to purchase a business, accept a job offer or pursue a love relationship partner, there is a great deal riding on the answer. As a reader, you want to give the client the clearest answer possible. Reversed cards are not negative as some readers suggest. In fact all the Fives in the tarot and half of the suit of Swords are more positive when reversed than when upright. If I was asking about a financial investment and the tarot reader only read with upright cards, I wouldn’t risk it. I’d find another reader.
Best wishes Paul Fenton-Smith

To Daniel Gregory and Marty Wilson, authors of What I Wish I Knew at Eighteen
Q: Often when my parents and their friends talk about things, it sounds as if they are from another planet. Sometimes I get asked about teenager issues and while I still remember what it was like to be a teenager, I wonder if they are writing me off the same way because I’m not one. How do you give advice or opinions to someone younger than you without sounding out of touch or worse still, condescending and judgmental? Especially when you have been there and done that?
Rebecca

A: Dear Rebecca,
A lot of people have been emailing us from our website and saying that they’ve used our book as a way of getting some important life advice past the natural defences of young people. So the first thing I'd do (without being too much of a salesman) is I’d show the teenager the page from Donna Wilson where she says: 'When you’re young you treat older people differently because they look different to you. As you get older you realise that, inside at least, you feel the same as you did when you were in your twenties. No one feels like an ‘old person’ - on the inside everyone is just ‘a person.'

It might help them understand that older people aren't some alien race that have no idea what their life is like. Secondly, and much more importantly, I'd make sure I was really listening to the person. When someone comes to us for advice it's an almost irresistible temptation to lay our own autobiography down over their lives and give them the benefit of our experience. But the chances of someone needing exactly the bit of advice that would have helped us is pretty slim. If there's one thing writing What I Wish I Knew at Eighteen has taught us it’s that a good hour or two of deep listening will be great for both of you. Any advice you might gently offer after really listening to someone - which lets them know that you are seeking to really understand them before making yourself understood - will be much better received.
All the best Marty and Dan

Q: To Georgina Walker, author of Dearly Departed
Many people are questioning the existence of an afterlife for spiritual direction; signs and symbols are unique to each person. What are your views?’
Janet, Quakers Hill NSW

A: Signs have existed since the beginning of man − every religion, every philosophy talks of a reconnection to another dimension beyond earth. Spirit is subtle; when we allow ourselves to become open to inspiration, magic occurs. The feather found at the doorstep becomes the messenger saying “I am there”; the waft of your grandfather’s aftershave in a shopping mall becomes a memory of joy once shared; your mum’s favourite flower is featured in a window display reminding you of special times. Signs don’t have to be earth-shattering, they can be very ordinary, divinely timed by your beloved drawing your attention, opening your mind and heart to their message/sign. A passing number plate highlights your dad’s initials; the book that falls off the shelf at the library/bookstore brings to life wonderful messages and memories shared with your grandparents. Love never dies, it is shown manifested in a different presence or present!

Q: To To David Michie, author of Hurry Up and Meditate
I know there are lots of different ways of meditating − using music, guided meditation, focusing on an object. Is one way better than the other i.e. you get into a deeper meditative state?
Melanie, Auckland NZ

A: Breath-based meditations are probably the most useful, especially for busy Westerners in the early stages of learning how to meditate. This is because the breath is easy to focus on − unlike, for example, a visualisation − and when we concentrate on our breathing it usually slows down quite naturally. Breathing meditation triggers a whole chain of physiological changes, including the slowing down of our metabolism, reduction of blood pressure, and increased production of endorphins and other repair hormones. Along with these physical changes, with practice we can also achieve better concentration, together with an ever-deepening experience of tranquility and inner peace.

Q To Andrew Bienkowski, author of Radical Gratitude:
I am grateful, and fortunate enough, to be able to paint, and play a musical instrument (which I teach) to a viable level; however, when my son was born with multiple and profound disabilities, my gifts became secondary. After 38 years, many challenges and much reflection on why this should happen to him, me, our family, I came to realise that he (among others) is my life teacher, my spiritual guide. Are you as convinced as I am that we are all here for a higher purpose if we would simply open our eyes, listen and learn from those around us?
Janet, Quakers Hill NSW

A Dear Janet,
Yes, I am as convinced as you are that we are here for a higher purpose. In fact, that has been one of my main beliefs even from an early age. I also believe, as you do, that all of the people in my life are my teachers and that I need to be aware of that when I interact with others. Being open to what we can learn (if only we will allow ourselves to) is one of the most important aspects of this belief and one of the best ways to be a lifelong learner. How wonderful that you have reached this point − and how fortunate your son is to have you as his mother! It sounds as if your son became your main teacher much like my grandfather became my main teacher, some 69 years ago.
With love and all best wishes, Andy Bienkowski